Step 315: Play the lottery for the stories not for the money

The lottery is sometimes known as the stupid tax and with good reason. Individuals can sink thousands of dollars buying MegaMillions or Powerball tickets hoping to hit it big and be set for life. The odds are overwhelmingly not in their favor but millions upon millions of people still play them (hence the term, the stupid tax). I don’t play often but I do play from time to time for because I have a great imagination and it’s cheap entertainment.

From time to time, I’ll feel lucky. On those days I’ll buy a lottery ticket and for the rest of the night, my girlfriend and I, will tell stories of our lavish future when we win the lottery. I can spend hours talking and planning what do with my newly inflated bank account. That’s what is great about the lottery to me, for $1 I have the cheapest form of entertainment money can buy.

What would I do with the money?

Well, realistically I would pay off all my loans and debt.  I would then withdraw about $100,000 of it to live off and travel with for the next year.  The rest?  Invest it and live off the dividends the rest of my life. I would then start a non-profit in a cause I really believe in and be happy the rest of my life.

Boring.

So let’s say I was hammered the whole time and I wasn’t going to be as smart with my money.  I’d first pay off all my loans and debt.  Then I would go ahead and pay off immediate family members debt. I’d sit down and talk with each of them and ask what they want out of life and how I can help.

Next, I would secure a Real Worldesque type of house and ask my closest friends to take off of work for the next year and I’ll pay them each enough to make it worth it. It would be a memorable year full of debauchery and hedonism. We would obviously travel as well by hopping on my private jet.

After that year, my most business minded friends and I would turn the rest of the millions I have into even more millions. We would then buy an NFL franchise and we would run it better than any fantasy team we could imagine.

And so on and so on. This was just written in five minutes with no real thought. This is why I play the lottery from time to time and if you ever need cheap entertainment go ahead and try your luck. Also, never ever pick your numbers. The week you don’t play will be the week those numbers come up.

Step 1560: Embrace Technology - Why I love Twitter

I know it's inevitable. I will become an old curmudgeon and reminisce about the good old days of iPods and regular good ol email. Something will come around that won't make much sense to me and I'll never understand why so many people are using it. That hasn't happened yet and I'm glad! I will admit, when Twitter first hit the scene I had my reservations. Excuse the language but this is exactly what I expected 99% of Twitter to be:

-click to enlarge-

And it probably most definitely is. What really turned me around on Twitter was the Iranian protest coverage. It was insane how quickly and accurately I could be updated on that incident without having to turn on a TV or wait for an article to be written. I was instantly hooked.

I do admit, I follow a handful of celebrities that really have no bearing on my life (the cast of Community cause that is an awesome show), the other ones I follow provide an endless source of quick and easy entertainment.  

I mean c'mon, Conan O'Brien's (http://twitter.com/ConanOBrien) latest tweet is worthy of a giggle: "I just ran into Ellen DeGeneres on the Warner Bros lot and we played ping pong. I think she's really into me."

I also follow every Green Bay Packer and feel as if I am part of the team. I'll even send them a tweet and they'll actually respond! You can bypass the secretaries and be right at their fingers. It's fun knowing that they to are concerned about the draft or upcoming opponents and not just rich guys playing a game. 

One of my favorite Twitter moments was going out to dinner one night with my girlfriend and aunts. I checked on my Twitter account (I use Tweetie http://www.atebits.com/tweetie-iphone/) and noticed that CNN posted a tweet that Tiger Woods was in the hospital after a severe car accident. At the time I was concerned but then another tweet came out that Elin bashed the windows with a golf club. We immediately laughed it off that Tiger Woods was probably caught cheating and she went nutso.  Little did we know...little did we know....

And lastly, you have a pulse on America on any issue. The greatest thing about it is the absolutely terrible tweets that come from it. For example, #letsbeclear is currently a trending topic.  Look at this gem:

djdrewskie

#LetsBeClear gurls shud never call a man a scared coward and still think they getting a gifth for watever holiday its jus not right

Awesome.

Or that Arizona immigration bill:

stonash7

@Mellie321 what is arizona,isnt it that town???

Awesome.


My twitter name is howtobeJimmyK if you wanted to follow along. What do I tweet about? Just funny musings that pop into my head.

Step 31: Cut your own hair, dont cut your own hair

Throughout college, I saved a good chunk of money by cutting my own hair. My roommates and I plopped thirty dollars down on a home clipper set and we were ready to reap the benefits. Our plan of action? Throw a #4 or #6 on it and buzz each other away (boxer shorts and white A-shirts was the popular attire).

I then graduated and had a steady paycheck coming in. No more of those bachelor shenanigans for me! I found a real great place in Madison, WI called Cha Cha (http://chachahair.com/). All the people who worked there had tattoos up the ying-yang (and other parts as well) and the speakers played songs that were streets ahead (Community reference) of what was on the radio. I really enjoyed going there since it felt like a hipster version of the movie Barbershop. The best part about Cha Cha? My barber Brandon gave the best haircuts I ever had. He wouldn't even pull out scissors or clippers! He would cut my hair (no matter the length) with just a straight razor. Plus, the front would always toss a couple of frosty ones my way while I was getting cleaned up.

Now that I am unemployed, I had a decision to make. Spend the little money I have to make myself look presentable or cut my own hair for free. I opted with the only right answer. Problem: I thought I, with no experience whatsoever, could cut my hair sans clippers and scissors.  Here are the results:

Pretty proud of myself if I have to say so. I’m beginning to think I might have found my calling. Hmmm...looks a little thin above my ears....

Ahhhh!! Okay not too bad, just a little bit of scalp.  I can grow that out or comb it over, can't I?

Those are definitely patches of scalp showing. This picture was taken four days after my incident, it was easily worse before. And that's the last time I cut my own hair…or until the next time I watch a YouTube video showing how to do it correctly.

Step 96: Install different car horns for different situations

The problem with car horns is that not all honking situations are created equal. When you are on the road and are the recipient of a car horn, the first thought that probably crosses your mind is: "What is honking their at me?" (pardon the French, but you know it's true). Immediately after asking that question, you quickly ascertain that the light is green and you're holding up traffic.

I want to install three different horns in my car:

1.  A car horn that hornifies an "excuse me", "pardon me", or a "*cough*…ahem." The onomatopoeia would be similar to 'poot poot'. A perfect scenario would be at an intersection and you need to inform the driver ahead of you that the light is indeed green.

2.  A car horn that hornifies a "woaaaah, watch it!", "com’n man!", or a "dude! wtf?!?"  This onomatopoeia could be a "Haauunk! Haaaunk!" This would be used to verbally show your displeasure at another driver.  For example, at a four way stop when you clearly have the right of way and some proceeds into the intersection out of turn or at a cyclist who forgot that he is indeed riding a bike and will suffer longer consequences than the automobile if a crash occurred.  This horn could also be used to pester neighborhood dogs.

3.  A car horn that horrifies a "this is gonna hurt me more than it'll hurt you."  This onomatopoeia would probably be "FLRuaAARGGGH."  Hopefully I'll never have to use this one but this would most likely be used in the event the brake lines are severed and I am careening through a busy street of pedestrians.

Step 2290: Don't give a stool sample about Tiger Woods affair

Sports guy is an accurate characteristic of who I am.  Outside of the judging sports, I am pretty well versed in the ongoing shenanigans of the sports world (obviously I don't follow the odd/niche sports like cricket, Aussie rules football, or women's basketball).  There's one issue that has been dominating the sports landscape the last couple of weeks/months and that's Tiger Woods and his affair.

I couldn't care less about Tiger's steamy adulterous life and how it's affecting his relationship with his hot *bork* Swedish *bork* wife.  Some might find that weird when the conversation is brought up.  "But Jimmy, you are a sports guy, you should have opinion…right?"

No, I don't.  Not at all.  It's because I'm a sports guy and not a TMZ guy.  I have never watched Tiger on the golf course and once thought:  "Gee…that back swing has been little inconsistent.  Tiger must be having an off day or maybe he's having a domestic dispute because of some ill conceived sexual conquests."  I watched Tiger and was a fan of Tiger because of how good he was on the golf course and I will continue watching because of that.  I practice a little act called "compartmentalizing."  Guys are great at it, and I am especially good at it.

I especially didn't like the Augusta National chairman, Billy Payne, chastising Tiger Woods before the event started.  Mr. Payne, you should be sending a personalized green jacket to Tiger just for showing up and bringing the extra couple of thousand attendees and hordes of media attention.  He also tried to allude to Tiger failing as a role model; "disappointed all of us, and more importantly, our kids and our grandkids.”  Guess what Gramps, Tiger is not your kids role model, and if he is, you missed out on the first class of Parenting 101.

Step 221: Develop Allergies Late in Life

When I was a young Jimmy boy I could eat, touch, and sniff whatever crossed my path without any consequence.  Now I can't wake up without hocking up chunks of salted creamy lung butter.  I am an eco-minded quasi-environmentalist, why is Mother Nature hellbent on waging war with me? 

I grew up with a cat and now a cat's meow sends shivers down my ear canal.  I can feel each cat hair crawling down every orifice and picking away at every pore.  Pollen was never ever a problem before but now I can't breath properly without a tree's sex products invading my respiratory system.  Popping in a couple of generic Claritin's and Zyrtec's work for about five minutes until they're overcome with the airborne allergen du'jour.  

There's no message or meaning to this posting other than I hate allergies.  Allergies can go pound sand.  

Step 2: Vow to update blog on a consistent basis, change air filter

I recently moved from Madison, Wisconsin back to my homearea of Northern Virginia (NoVA) and because of that tradition, I have neglected this blog and many other responsibilities. Here is my apology list for the first trimester of 2010:

I apologize…
1. to my one known follower and others who stumbled upon this blog. At a minimum, I wanted to try to update this on a daily basis. From here on out, I will force myself to update it with anything.

2. to anyone who has been witness to my underwear experiment. My underwear from high school has finally met its match and it is due time for me to buy new ones. The experiment is over and I have decided to retire the boxer briefs in favor of trunks.

3. to the silver Toyota Camry I honked at. I did not realize that you were being held back due to the octogenarian driving in front of you. That honk was for you old man.

4. to my student worker who bought my LCD TV. I forgot to include the remote and did not send it to you in a timely manner.  I understand a TV without a remote is worse than any torture imaginable.

5. lastly to America. I regrettably thought to myself before the USA v Canada gold medal hockey game that the USA wont be able to pull it off.  I was correct…u-s-a….u-s-a….U-S-A!…U!-S!-A!